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Since our last newsletter went out, Valentines Day has come and gone. For lots of people, including budding seducers and even the girls they chase after, it is a common time to feel the sting of loneliness and neediness. It is a common time for guys to re-evaluate how happy they are with their relationships and their skills with women, and to wonder if they can do better. In my own experience running a lair, February isTHE busiest month of the year in terms of new registrations. I don't believe for a second this is a coincidence. To be topical with these sentiments, our current newsletter focuses on Understanding Neediness Management.
Cheers,
TheLetter
Great Relationships: Vulnerable... but not Needy
It seems very few men truly enjoy their relationships with women. Despite studying this stuff for years, it's like they are constantly "on guard", just waiting for something to go wrong.
Look, it's one thing to be good at "relationship game" and quite another to actually ENJOY your relationships. I'll be honest I don't meet many guys I consider good with long term relationships. That's because it's rare for a guy to possess both of the main qualities it takes to achieve this goal.
The "special sauce" for great relationships:
- be vulnerable
- don't be needy
It may seem like a contradiction but the men truly enjoying their relationships are vulnerable... but not needy. By vulnerable I mean their hearts are open, they love feminine energy and they are very affectionate people. They are comfortable both giving and receiving affection. They aren't afraid of being hurt. But don't be fooled, despite their affectionate nature these are not needy people.
These men know they have the skills to meet new quality women if they ever became single again. This lets them be emotionally open and give fully without constantly worrying about her "losing interest". Which really is the point of having a relationship in the first place.
Why having these TWO qualities is so rare
Most guys I know that crave female affection are NEEDY.
They NEED someone...anyone to love them so they can feel complete. Obviously at some point in the relationship women sense this and it becomes a huge turn-off.
On the other hand, many community guys I meet that try to ACT "emotionally aloof" in the hopes of being a "challenge" are really just scared of being VULNERABLE.
You aren't fooling anyone dude. To me this "I don't care" attitude is an obvious overcompensation. You are desperately trying to learn every relationship trick in the book with the hopes that a woman will never be able to hurt you again. This paranoid mindset makes guys just as pathetic as a NEEDY person.
You can't truly enjoy your relationships with women without being a bit vulnerable.
And you won't become comfortable being vulnerable until you finally eliminate your neediness.
Sixty will be giving an Escalation Seminar in NYC
Thursday, March 4th
The seminar will be followed by a personal Q&A session and then we will all go out to a local lounge.
This will be strictly limited to 5 People.
More information is available at the NYC Seminar Page.
Escaping The State of Scarcity, by TheLetter
People often like to draw the distinction between the "abundance mindset" vs. the "scarcity mindset", where in the "abundance mindset" a guy acts like there is a wealth of women in his life, as opposed to the "scarcity mindset" where a guy often is afflicted by neediness, desperation and oneitis due to his perceived lack of options. While it is true that a guy who genuinely is experiencing abundance will be a more effective seducer, the fake-it-till-you-make-it attitude is often just an exercise in mental masturbation.
The more important distinction to draw is between living in a genuine state of abundance vs. a state of scarcity. In a genuine state of abundance, a guy has access to a number of sexual options, and legitimately has a steady stream of new girls coming through his life. In contrast, a state of scarcity exists when the pool of girls in his life is genuinely static and unchanging. A concrete example of this is a guy who does not approach, and whose social life revolves around a fixed social circle. With such a guy, a lack of options is not even an issue of perception, he genuinely is limited to the girls in his social circle.
The interesting thing is, even guys who have many genuinely attractive traits can be stuck in states of scarcity due to their lifestyles. Through my lair, I once met a very good looking, well-dressed guy, with a lot going for him career-wise. You'd expect this guy to be getting laid like mad, but the fact was his social life revolved around his fixed social circle, so he was literally faced against a scarcity of sexual options.
How to transition from a guy with no sexual options, to a guy with numerous ones is a question that plagues a lot of beginners. But just by becoming an approacher, a guy introduces new streams of women into his life. By choosing to go from wallflower, to someone open to walking up to and meeting new girls, a guy exposes himself to a constant stream of approachable women in his life. Within this stream of approachable women, is a constant stream of good opportunities.
Most field reports have at least one or two interactions that were good opportunities, where the girl was actually attracted. Sure, a newer guy might not have to skillset and confidence to close on all those opportunities, but they opportunities are still there. The fascinating this is being in a state of abundance of opportunities isn't so much "achieved" as it is "identified" by seducers as they get more experienced, looking back and realizing how many girls they have been attracting all along.
Appreciating the frequency and regularity of good opportunities was perhaps the single most important thing in becoming a much less needy guy for me. In some of my developmental stages, I'd go out a lot and be frustrated by mixed results. But then I'd look back, and see that I was having successes at a regular rate, if not as frequent as I'd have liked. Eventually, I improved my frequency as well, but it was the peace of mind in knowing that the regular opportunities were out there that really changed things. Even if I have a bad night or a week, I can still identify the good opportunities I did have, and more importantly, I know for a mathematical fact that there are more opportunities waiting for me the next time I go out, and my next pull is always just around the corner, even if it doesn't happen tonight.
Appreciating that I was living through a constant stream of opportunities was a key factor in escaping the deadly state of scarcity.
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Neediness, comes from an overly obsessed focus on one thing. There is only one fatal flaw in seduction, and that is obsession on one girl. If you obsess on one girl, you become delusional and detached. And this is frighteningly enough the only real way to be repulsive to a woman. Not necessarily because of any external factor, but because you now become incapable of solid and reasonable thought.
You get caught up in your own little world, and your own little indulgences. Kind of like depression. It's easy to fall. Just like its easy to mope around and be an ass to everyone. And think you are hard done by. But truth is, in life, it's not about this obsessed view of the world where you are special and the only person to ever affect you is special too (wow go figure).
Truth is, women are amazing creatures, and so are you. But you become less amazing and so do they, if they obsess on one person, as the solution to everything. Oneitis can last a while, but ultimately, it tapers out, and turns into a horrible beast, as you realise, you fell, for apparently no real good reason.
Now, I'm not one to say falling is a bad thing. But it certainly can be managed, and this may provide you with the strength and gusto you need, to create chemistry in your relationships or your lifestyle.
My rule is simple: Don't get oneitis. And then everything else you do in seduction is gravy. Think about it. Age old wisdom suggests, don't be needy, clingy, or like them too much. Well this is an awfully simple task, if they aren't your obsession. You can like someone a lot sure. You can think them benificial in your life.. But when it crosses the line into obsession and false dependency. Then you are playing a silly game. One that isn't easy to heal or fix.
If you don't have oneitis, you aren't going to be needy, you aren't going to be clingy, and you aren't going to 'like them too much'. So from then on. If you know to manage oneitis. What you now know, is the absolute basic of seduction. The absolute minimum you need to not go AWAY from your goals.
Its not necessarily the case however, that all obsession is oneitis. So depending on your lifestyle, you should really choose how involved you get with women and plan your strategy for dealing with oneitis around that. If you are going to foster close relationships make sure to take some breaks. Don't absolutely see her all the time. Have other friends, and keep your MIND OPEN to knew possibilities. There is no telling how HEALTHY it is, to think of other options, in regards to removing oneitis.
Remember, its not the girl thats important, its that you create REAL CHEMISTRY not double sided delusion chemistry where each person is living a different deluded life, where they have fallen for a fake image of the other. This is only going to end in sickness, and unwell behaviors towards each other.
Keeping a healthy distance, allows you both breathing room, and whilst it hurts. Hurting isn't such a bad thing. Thinking you don't hurt, for months, only to realise, you've just screwed yourself, is what really stings. The basis of seduction, is just managing oneitis and obsession properly. Being aware that it is the most powerful pitfall, and one that if you manage well, can guide you towards better and healthier relationships. Whether they be short term or longer engagements.
Avoiding oneitis, is not about not falling in love. Its about, allowing space for real chemistry to bloom and grow. And chemistry grows, to remove distance.
So the more you remove oneitisy feelings, the stronger the chemistry is going to have to be to keep you together. And the more the relationship is about chemistry, the more REAL the connection is. And the more you will see the other person for who they are.. instead of being a desperate needy, and now unattractive weaker version of yourself.
If you manage to keep oneitis down (usually by not focusing on thoughts that increase it.. aka don't think about her all the time) then you will keep, health, well being, vitality and happiness UP!!!
Plus by dealing with such a thing, you'll be a more powerful and strong man, or woman. And someone that people would more likely benifit from being in a relationship with. And isn't that what we all want?
Plus, less oneitis, means more chemistry and the less needy your girl is, the more attractive she is. So attractive couples have chemistry. Dweeby couples have oneitis. So it changes the self image of your coupling too.. which protects you both from wanting to look elsewhere. (you both probably will look elsewhere, but maybe not choose to act on it cuz you don't feel like you are with someone weak and not of worth).
And lets face it, inriching her attractiveness, is just as important as your own. So base relationships off chemistry, and keep obsesssions out of it. And you will not be needy or clingy. You'll be stronger, more attractive, and a more fair lover.
We all win.
Available this month
A New Book by The Cost of Success writing as Taylor Truth
Neediness Management Handles Itself, by Aaron Sleazy
I never really understood the discussion around “neediness management.” Of course, there is the community cliche of the guy who wants to make the first girl he manages to “lay” his girlfriend, only to revert to his old submissive behaviour around women. Then, there are the typical horndogs that go after anything that walks. It’s no surprise the women they interact with lose interest fast. Nobody wants to feel easily replaceable.
Once you have gotten to a level where you can get a fair amount of sex, you will stop to care. When I got to the point of living in literal “sexual abundance”, I couldn’t care less whether I got laid or not. My usual setup consisted of a regular girl in an open relationship, a “friend with benefits” I saw about once a week, and the occasional hookup. This lifestyle was fun for a while, but it didn’t take me long to get to the point where it almost felt like work. It was hard to sustain, and if you think the “player lifestyle” is nothing but great fun, then wait until you get to that point. You can literally get tired of sex. (On a less serious side-note, it is probably no coincidence that Swedish has a verb for that, whereas German requires almost a full sentence to express the same.)
An interesting realisation I had in this context was that girls are starving much more for sex than guys. This might be a common experience for Joe Average as well: as soon as he finds himself in an official relationship with a girl, he’ll go through some weeks in which he has to please her day in and day out. Or think of some of your “same night lays” --- didn’t you have one or the other girl that was so glad to finally get to play with some cock after an undue period of absence that she wanted to do it again, and again, and again?
I couldn’t care less whether I get laid or not, because I have seen it all, and I have achieved a level that by far exceeded my wildest dreams. Eventually game began to feel repetitive to me --- What’s the point in having yet another five-minute bathroom pull? ---, and I changed my focus to other aspects of my life. I suspect that similar experiences are one of the main reasons why pick-up and seduction, at least on more extreme levels, are only phases people go through. In the end, many want more than sex, and begin to realise what sex really is: “just sex.” You almost wonder what all the fuss is about.
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