Table of Contents:
Distinguishing Learning Mindsets vs. Lifestyle Mindsets, by
TheLetter
A lot of guys get into pickup because there is something missing in their skillsets with women, or things they want to be able to do with girls but don't know how. Improving as a seducer takes a good deal of time, and requires accumulating a lots of experience. A big part of this growth is shedding a lot of the misconceptions a guy has about himself and about women, and replacing them with more productive mindsets.
There are definitely some mindsets out there that are a bit tacky and even needy, such as "approach as many girls as possible", "collect every number you can", "try to makeout with every girl you can", and even "lay as many girls as possible regardless of whether you actually like them". This common prescriptive advice for beginners is also stuff that guys who become skilled come to disdain.
Frankly, once a guy is able to approach any girl he wants, get numbers with ease, kiss girls quickly, and lay girls regularly, such mindsets seem really silly. Because at that point, they are, since the person possessing those skills don't actually learn anything from the mindsets any longer.
The distinction between mindsets for guys who want to get experience in a certain area, and for guys who are skilled in that area and just want to enjoy themselves is unappreciated.
I remember there were nights when I did a lot of mass approaching when I started to feel tired or frustrated and thought, "Wow, I look forward to when I'm actually good at this, so I can stop running around like this". Eventually, I stopped running around so hard AND improved the frequency of my best results.
Learning Mindsets are inherently needy and agenda based. But for a guy who is deficient in skill X, it's a worthwhile tradeoff in order to get experience and learn calibration with skill X. But once he learns it, what'll make him happiest is to probably be more laid back, and judiciously use skill X only when he genuinely wants to.
Example: approach all the girls you possibly can is a learning mindset. The corresponding lifestyle mindset is approach only the girls you genuinely want to fuck.
A guy who is already an experienced approacher is just wasting his time if he takes on the learning mindset. Through experience, a seducer is able to identify which sorts of girls, which sorts of groups, which sorts of situations are the most fruitful uses of his time. Similarly, an inexperienced approacher might be shooting his development in the foot by not putting in the approaches that'll build up his confidence and calibration such that one day he will be experienced enough to identify his most fruitful opportunities. The real secret behind most "One Approach, One Pull" nights is that the seducer behind it has identified the girls he needn't even bother with, but also very aware of the ones he certainly should not pass on.
An important distinction between Learning Mindsets and Lifestyle Mindsets is that a learning mindset is intentionally overzealous and inherently needy, because the Learning Mindset does have the agenda of gaining a lot of experience in a certain area. In contrast, a Lifestyle Mindset comes from a place of abundance, outcome indifference, experience, and calibration that is inherently attractive.
But a Lifestyle Mindset is not something that a guy ought to fake until he makes (he might be faking for a LONG time). He should make it until he makes it. And once he has, he ought to just chill out and enjoy the fruits of his labors.
Overdoing it as long as you have to (and hopefully no longer) is a necessary part of the journey. A lot of my most significant developments have come from temporarily adopting a Learning Mindset and then graduating onto its accompanying Lifestyle Mindset.
Examples include:
- Approach Machine vs. Selective Approaching
- Plowing vs. Understanding Which Causes are Hopeless
- Constantly Kinoing vs. Applying Touch Selectively for Impact
- Being A Tacky Makeout Guy vs. Kissing in Ways that Increase the Likelihood of Sex
- Inviting Lots of Girls Home vs. Understanding When It's ON
Now what we've outlined the distinction between Learning Mindsets and Lifestyle Mindsets, you might find it useful to ask yourself a couple questions: What Learning Mindsets might it be useful for me to take on for a short time in order to address a skill gap? What Learning Mindsets have I outgrown and are just holding me back at this point?
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Escalation Practice
“Practice… We’re talking about practice?” – A.I.
In my opinion, most guys don’t get enough practice escalating physically.
Sure they end up opening hundreds of “sets” and eventually get good at being “social”. But at the end of the day they still have only escalated on a handful of women.
Look, you may be able to start conversations with ten women a night. Good for you. But how many of these women did you make a physical move on. One? At that rate it’s going to be literally ten years before you get enough escalation practice to get good at this game.
Physical Momentum is Key
“Most game is momentum based” - 60
If you are the type of guy who needs a few warm-up sets to get social, doesn’t it make sense that you would also need a few throw away sets to practice getting physical?
You’ve walked around and talked to a few girls. You’re warmed up. You’re feeling social. And you know the cute girl you are talking with is probably interested. But you’re still too scared to move closer to her and grab her hand. That’s because although you may have “social” freedom you don’t yet have “physical” freedom.
In other words, you may have overcome your fear of approaching for the night, but you still haven’t gotten over your fear of escalating.
Socially you are the man, but physically you are a huge dud.
The truth is most guys have to overcome their fear of approaching and escalating again and again each time they go out. That’s because your social and escalation skills aren’t merely good or bad. Rather seduction skills like approaching women and escalating quickly are FLUID and based mostly on MOMENTUM.
I know certain PU companies would like to have you believe that they can cure you of these fears forever. And in just one weekend! But a true seducer knows he can slowly improve his craft by taking advantage of momentum and the “it’s just practice mindset”.
The Next Seducer's Newsletter will be on the topic "Learning Mindset: Tacky Makeout Guy". Originally,
Aaron Sleazy was just going to contribute a short article on that topic, but what he presented was so expansive, we've decided to build an entire newsletter around it.
Here is a teaser from Aaron Sleazy's article from the next newsletter:
All in all, it seems that being the tacky make out guy who does not know when to stop is a very bad place to be. For more experienced guys, I wholeheartedly agree, but for guys who are just starting out, this is the wrong mindset to have. It doesn’t stop here. There are many more benefits to be had.
If there is only one thing to remember from the first part, then it’s that there are no hard and fast rules, and that there are more implications than might meet the eye. For more advanced guys, being the tacky make out guy is the wrong place to be. However, for less experienced guys it is a great place to develop a solid skill set from. Now it is time to elaborate on what you can expect to gain from doing so.
Some of you may want to stop here and ask me, “So, Sleazy, what’s so great about being the tacky make out guy if it wrecks your chances of getting laid on the very same night?”
If this is you, then ask yourself honestly if you have the skills to get a girl home the same night. If you don’t then please shut up and listen, because what I am going to tell you will take you a long way into being able to get girls come home with you on the same night.
Look forward to the full article in the next newsletter. For a further great illustration of what you can develop into after being the tacky make out guy, check out Aaron Sleazy's book
Sleazy Stories, which describes his development into a master of seduction.
To appreciate other people’s ways is very important for your own satisfaction. The intricate differences in how they think, how they approach things, and what they choose. It is this individuality of character that allows them to create a world you couldn't or, most importantly, wouldn’t have created on your own. It is these worlds of others that add an element of variety that will keep your satisfaction coming and coming and coming...
People in an intermediate or transitory position in life often have a ‘win mentality’. That is to say, they are so concerned about getting something to happen that they would willingly sacrifice anything to make it happen. Whilst it is certainly possible to win all the time, it is not necessarily always desirable. Whilst it might seem counter intuitive, winning does not have to be your aim. For in doing anything to win, you may remove the whole purpose for doing so. You may remove your freedom to explore and take adventures.
By restricting yourself to only winning, you restrict yourself to only one path, that of learning how to win more. However, if you purposely withhold your capacities so that you may explore options more thoroughly and more completely, you will have the freedom that will take you on far greater adventures where you may find fortunes, famines, or generally things you will believe in and fight for.
In seduction, I could use an incredibly overwhelming level of seductivity, that almost any woman will forget herself completely in... I could talk to her with such wanting whispers, that she would lose almost all control... In fact I could do any of those things that made me successful in the past.
However, I use what has impacted and influenced others in the past sparingly. I refuse just to simply be effective. Most paradoxically, I may purposefully withhold all I can make a woman feel to give her a chance to see what she can make me feel. Then and only then can I know if a woman can stir in me something new, and something that I would hike to the highest mountains for. Only then can I know that this woman is so special and unique as to have earned my attention.
No matter how many reasons you have to seduce a person, one more true reason is always going to inspire you to further greatness. And reasons you have never even thought of before are often the most powerful and rewarding. So I test women, I withhold pleasures from them even though they would protest, or call me unpalatable or unworthy of them for doing so... and hopefully, whilst totally oblivious to my capacities, they will begin to show me something new. Perhaps they will show me another world. And then like a rising phoenix, I will rise from these ashes, and show them in full what they have inspired in me to become.
Whilst this is ‘playing the knife’s edge’; the girl capable of leaving from lack of interest in you at any time, or forming opinions of you that are less than they could be. It is important to keep only just enough chemistry to keep them close enough for something amazing to happen. For it is these new experiences and adventures that add to the whole experience that is women.
It’s rewarding to meet new people simply because they do it differently than you do. And by putting less of your influence on them, you free them to be themselves, you free them to earn or inspire a real side of yourself. It is by only guiding the situation to a more natural solution, constantly almost losing it, that you can come across some cool almost miraculous things...
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